Today is just one of those days, you know? I’m actually awake, not labouring for breath, which happens all too often nor am I groggy as after a sleepless night. I feel alright actually, but I also have that screaming frustrated feeling of not being able to “settle” on anything in particular.
I have two exams I need to complete by midnight. No major studying needed but just to do them…flat out: I don’t want to.
I’ve an infinite number of minor necessary tasks: cover art for my upcoming book release “Night Shift” is seriously first on my list, work on a writing project (ANY WOULD DO!), write out a letter for my employer to sign, fill out of the forms for the friggin’ PTA and pay my dues and CLEAN HOUSE, etc. etc.
Because I’ve not felt well enough to walk to even the mailbox in the last two weeks the house is seriously suffering. My room/office is trashed. My son’s room…well, he’s taking his cues from me. I’ve directed him over and over, told him, threatened him and *sigh*….The bathroom, the cat’s box, the overgrown and scary garden.
My online store definitely needs to get vamped up shopping for the holiday season will begin in big-time in a few days and I have no need for all these Star Trek action figures. It all involves the laborious task of photographing my items and books in the best possible light, uploading and editing, and creating their list and adding them to my website.
So many things have gotten behind since I’ve been so ill. And knowing that if I do too much will only send me into a relapse…
I honestly feel like going back to bed. I wouldn’t sleep most likely but just to lay and rest and think is stress relieving for me. But that won’t get anything done.
Sometimes I think my health is what really causes my procrastination. When you feel your heart labouring in this manner, and every move you make is laced with pain, it can make you feel…afraid is not the word, but perhaps discouraged is.
You question what’s the point of everything if you might drop dead any moment, but then anyone could, couldn’t they? No one really knows what the next moment will bring.
Time. Time. Time is the problem. “Time is of the essence”. I feel like I’m out of time. I feel “behind”, struggling to keep up with necessities. But what really are the necessities? Can not any of the above things wait another day? Why should I feel pressured to do them? Is anyone demanding something from me?
Only the exams have a definite deadline. And I could do them tomorrow and take my auto ten point deduction. Why am I being resistant? It’s back to the inability to settle. Maybe I need a “doggy downer” or a bit of Dimetapp to knock the edge off. Maybe I should resort to Berlin’s time zone and have a shot of vodka? It’s a thought.