For all that I am a dreamer, in that periodically I experience a future view of life that comes true, both good or bad, I do not take omen in signs. There are some things I seem to have superstitions about, but I do have a pointed determination to take whatever comes as it comes.
Like everyone else, I can reasonably predict, worry about, surmise or debate the future, but I firmly live in the present. I make a point not to let fears, doubts or such things keep from doing something that suggests positivism to me in the moment. This was part of the learning experiences in my life, but more directly, I later found a sutra that directly represented my feelings and brought me a great affirmative joy:
“The one who is very attached to the cave of the body,
that one finds detachment very difficult. Those who
constantly crave for pleasure are hard to liberate and
certainly cannot be liberated by others, only by
themselves. Sometimes it is only death that brings a
realization of endings, and then the sensual person,
deeply immersed in the body, will shout: “What will
happen to me after death?
The way toward liberation is to train yourself to live
in the present without any wanting to become anything.
Give up becoming this or that, live without cravings,
and experience this present moment with full
attention, then you will not cringe at death nor seek
for repeated birth.”
It’s only hours away from my return to Germany. It’s not been an easy decision or path to finally reach this point, though the eventual outcome is something I always desire. My stress level has been at the maximum the past weeks for a variety of reasons. A few of those have been resolved within the last days, but very important ones still remain. Yet, just the same, I can only go forward and make the best of what I am presented and can actively work to change or improve. There are possible drawbacks I am cognizant of…but you can only try.
Saturday I sold some of our superfluous items, but about as many…I gave away to those who asked for it. By the end of the day I contacted a local shelter who picked up goods for donation and said they could have everything left, which includes furniture, clothing, books, households items of all kinds and even an old car. They bring nothing to me now and can benefit someone else so…I’ve no attachment to them even though some are worth a lot of money. I say this not for a pat on the back, but because now I truly can take a deeper breath. I feel freer, without the burden of attachments, of material things which are not absolutely necessary for my continued being.
At this point, I’ve still not packed a single item. I still don’t have a suitcase, though I’ll get one tomorrow. My son is going with me so there are certain necessities beyond what I might normally include for myself when moving. I look around me know, in my defrocked office/bedroom, even what’s left is…ephemeral.
I spent the morning making sure all the excess material goods I had are packed and ready for the animal shelter I am donating all of it to, to sell as they will: furniture, beds, lamps, books, clothing, crockery. Mizz Suzy, Rosebud Lakota Lady and her son came over to help. Anything they could be used by relatives was theirs to take as well, choosing comic books, futon sleepers and traditional carvings I had of wolves, warriors and totems.
We then lingered over breakfast: lots of black coffee, fruit and yesterday’s lemon torte, then got hungry again after chatting and finished off last night’s leftovers of Indian tacos! Delicious! And the ingredients are harder to find in Germany. We then drifted over to the house computer and the hundreds of photos and vids of us over the years. They needed to go, and we needed to be pack, but…it’s the last day we’ll see each other in a while.
And I found the meaning, the reason why I felt no urge to pack. No anxiety over it. No need to really include anything except the most essential: passport, flight plan, confirmation papers. Those are the things I need though the cat is apparently determined to be packed, because as soon as I get him out of the suitcase and walk away, he’s right back in.
But all in all, I realized that I so want to be home, I don’t care if I go naked (and they do have naked flights in Germany if one so desires). I just want to be there, come what may. They’re all welcome to visit but I have to go.
See you all on the other side.
P.S. The photo is of our cat who has a name but we only ended up calling him ‘Kitty’ anyway. One of his favorite places to sleep is in the front doorway. Ironically enough, we took this photo the last time we were leaving for Germany 2009. Today, he is sulking and hiding under furniture. This time he senses we’re not coming back.