A Painful Break-up, A Sutra and Dashboard Confessional

I am not Buddist, nor any religion for that matter and never will be, but I have a very clear sense of belief and a willingness to accept the positive messages for me, whatever their source.

This was one really changed my life for the good. A sutra, I don’t remember the number and name although I had it once. It followed a time when I was agonized by regrets as a long-time relationship exploded into a conflagration which blazed through the whole state in which I lived and worked. With not only embarassment and humiliation for my former partner and I, it was a stunning revelation for both his and my family. Maybe it was the near death experience I had in 2002, when your life flashes before your eyes.

Just sharing it along. It can mean different things to different people. It gave me an infinite freedom, and I literally sank to my knees in thanks when I understood what it meant for me. I felt reborn and nothing in the past mattered anymore. No longer did I suffer the sheer agony of repetitive thoughts. To so many things, I could rip them up as if they were paper and toss them to the winds. I determined to let nothing and no one ever get me down again. Sure, I have hard times still, difficulties, helpless pains but they cannot and do not bring me down in the same way. I will never allow anyone to have that hold over me again, even myself.

“The one who is very attached to the cave of the body,
that one finds detachment very difficult. Those who
constantly crave for pleasure are hard to liberate and
certainly cannot be liberated by others, only by
themselves. Sometimes it is only death that brings a
realization of endings, and then the sensual person,
deeply immersed in the body, will shout: “What will
happen to me after death?

The way toward liberation is to train yourself to live
in the present without any wanting to become anything.
Give up becoming this or that, live without cravings,
and experience this present moment with full
attention, then you will not cringe at death nor seek
for repeated birth.”

And if it is “your time to go”, then this:

“When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.” —Chief Aupumut, Mohican 1725

The modern twist on this lyrics by Dashboard Confessional. Good stuff.

“Vindicated”

“Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I’m right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

[Chorus]

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I’d be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away…

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption…”

I am flawed. I accept that. I can be happy just the same somehow.

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