I’m glad to be able to wake up each morning, and look forward to talking to my mother, to seeing my son, to seeing what the day brings and continue to learn to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Whatever happens. I’ve been waking up with new energy and renewed purpose and a steady eagerness even if it’s the quiet kind most people don’t recognize, even when I’m in pain, and I’m always in pain physically. Arthritis from many previous injuries, heredity and having to work past your endurance point many times before. Whenever I feel the least sorry for myself I tell myself my ancestors endured far more, I can do no less. I shut up and get on with it.
I roll out of bed (mental and/or physical), come what may, because I woke up, even though I am learning to try to relax and self-care when I need to. But the thing is, my self-care is in the form of what other people call “work”. I don’t have down-time, because my work is happy even if it’s hard, even if sometimes it feels un- or not at all appreciated. That’s when I ask myself, “Why are you doing it? For yourself (recognition) or because it’s the right thing to do?” It is important for me, it is incumbent on me to help the People, because I believe that through helping the People it helps everyone, the whole world.
Recently I’ve been attacked headlong yet again, that doesn’t happen that often thankfully, though it has been pretty constant the last two years, and it was very personal and intended to be insulting and destructive. The thing is, I’m used to the same, to those trying to be be insulting and demeaning, reducing, that is the way of colonizer and the colonized. I’ve heard the same all my life since I could determine intent and meaning, which was pretty early, because we know we get it early, if not in word then in tone. We recognize it by instinct, by remembered pain. It didn’t make me mad this time though it is affective, I’ve learned and been fortunate to have good teachers. It all doesn’t keep me from my purpose, my meaning, and offerings.
I am thankful for those who take the time to instruct and correct me when I need those things. To help me clarify my purpose, examine my motives, elucidate my next steps on this journey of life. I am thankful for the wisdom of so many people and that things happen in their time just as they are meant to. It is humbling to be able to see and experience it sometimes. We all make mistakes, do or say things without full knowledge or realization of the consequences. When you’re honest and humble you try to make atonement for them, not on your own conditions, but on what’s right.
We are all traumatized in some way. Some more than others. We’re all healing, though some try to hurt each other, striking out, trying to tear down and don’t face or recognize why they’re doing, why they’re really doing it. I pray for them. I try to help others in this. I help as I can while also keeping myself safe and trying to remain steady, while recognizing and unworking negative patterns of the past. Part of healing is forgiving yourself in the first place, and moving on from there. It’s not a lone effort though, by far far measure, and requires contact and connection to others. Again, thank you to all those who have such wisdom, and who are willing to share it, to encourage. Encouragement for everyone as we each face individual and societal challenges.