We’re back in Berlin. It was a relief to be immersed in the sounds and smells of home. To hear voices filled with love. To experience peace and not just topical calm where there is constant screaming and angst beneath. To see little symbols that represent the other “I’s”.
Our visit already feels like a dream, for now I awake in the same room, in the same position, in the same slant of light. With the same litany of survival, whispering it in daily resistance against erasure and demoralization that is German society.
Yet there is a strong current of hope/longing/search/desire one must swim personally and professionally here also, if you work at the things I do. People are searching, they want, they ask, they sometimes demand, and it threatens to suck your spirit dry.
I was near depleted, physically and spiritually by this need, because here there is little concept or care for reciprocality. Wendigo spirits abound but also there’s sincerity, yet you cannot respond to all.
It took tremendous effort to finish that first documentary under the circumstances plus my son’s health situation these past years. That Covid19 result last December 2020 nearly took me out. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to collapse, and there’s been some horrific times here in Germany. I’m still trying to recovery myself, my equilibrium all the while that clamoring goes on. 100+ emails to answer. Shall I? Should I?
I’ll be teaching a series of classes at Freie University starting in December, but otherwise I want to get back to working on my projects and with those who understand reciprocity. Not letting folks bother me. When I say “folks” I hope you understand what that means. One can become over sensitized and negatively reactive when they’ve been traumatized, especially if they are committed to not traumatizing others, to breaking cycles of abuse.
Pass along only kindness, and remember saying “No” can be a kindness to oneself.
Be kind to yourself and others’ but also set your personal boundaries to protect yourself. Don’t pass along the negative energy and stresses it too often creates in us and/or direct it only at the source irritant. You are strong. You ARE worthy.
I have to remind myself, too. A sincere thanks to those who helped or had us in their thoughts and prayers sometimes.